Introducing Viva. Viva Jaden is a journalist with a special focus on fashion and gender-relational culture. Using sociological theory and research, she combines humorous personal narrative with academic findings to comment on gender politics in the modern day. She has written for various publications including UCLA’s Daily Bruin, GFF Magazine, and her high school paper, where her love for journalism all began. Find Viva on substack here! 

Based on the show Sex and the City, this column is about my dating life. So personal, I know. I contemplated staying anonymous, but on a more serious note, I think we as women need to work together to destigmatize discussing hookup and dating culture — what works, what doesn’t, why we deserve better, and how we can help one another out. The world often puts us down for how we engage with relationships and sexual expression, and I’m done with it. So we’ll talk dates, shoes and sex (gender, I mean. I’m not about to air it all out on Substack). Anywhom. Happy reading!

SATS #1: Can Opposites Actually Last?

Last winter quarter, I was spending time with a guy from UCLA who listened to Massive Attack, wore silver rings on every finger and fashioned Timberlands, no matter the occasion. He sported wired earbuds and walked around campus with purpose and not a single care in the world — he was like the human embodiment of an A24 movie scored by Ecco2k and Thaiboy Digital.

I, with my ballet flats and long-standing belief that a well-timed cigarette with a red lip is feminist, saw him and decided we needed to know each other. Despite our polar-opposite aesthetics — my New York chic and his Silver Lake alternative — we spent a ton of time together.

They say opposites attract, and Mr. Massive Attack proved they do, but the question isn’t just whether sparks fly; it’s what those sparks teach you about yourself and what you actually need in a partner.

Which brings me to the inevitable question: can opposites actually last?

Sorry, girl — science says probably not. In a 2017 study from Wellesley College and the University of Kansas, research suggests couples who share similar values, interests and personality traits are significantly more likely to report long-term relationship satisfaction. The study found that while initial attraction often occurs between contrasting people, long-term compatibility is correlated with shared core values and lifestyle preferences. In other words, differences can spark initial attraction, but shared characteristics are what sustain longer-term relationships.

So no one’s surprised when I say it didn’t last with Mr. MA, which was disappointing because I loved dishing my limited knowledge about cloud rap whenever I felt him getting distant. “Yeah, and like, Bladee and everything.” While we never explicitly discussed it, I believe the chasm between our worlds was likely the primary reason we didn’t work out. Exhibit A: the grapevine tells me he is now in a long-term relationship with someone who probably also listens to Massive Attack.

It’s possible that in blaming it all on our different worlds, I’m gliding past the fact that maybe it was something else that separated us: where we were in our lives, what we wanted, who we wanted to become. But then I look at my other encounters with people who are my opposites, and the trend is there.

I believe the chasm between our worlds was likely the primary reason we didn’t work out.

One time, I dated this guy who worked in sales — an aspiring model in Westwood who believed in optimizing his REM cycles. He spoke in startup jargon and logged his skincare on Google Sheets each night without fail — him and Medicube were tight, you guys, I’m serious. For the first week, I found this organization admirable. But then the spell wore off, and I realized I was scheduling time with him through Google Calendar invites titled “Vibe Check, Time with Woman.” Our schedules never aligned, and our routines felt incompatible. Also, don’t call me “woman.”

Then there was this graduate with great hair and an appetite for spontaneous adventure. On our drive up the coast one afternoon, he claimed he didn’t “like to commit to anything,” including relationships, because “what is time, even?” I thought it was poetic and free-willing until I realized that his “plan to get a job” had been in the works for upwards of three years, and that his interpretation of time was more of an excuse than a paradigm. Our goals didn’t match, so it was unsustainable.

Vogue columnist Eileen Kelly wrote, “There’s a line between intriguing difference and fundamental incompatibility,” and I think she is absolutely right. When we connect with someone who shares our interests and values, it feels safe. But often those relationships can be stagnant, offering little room for a growth in our knowledge of what we like and what we don’t. It’s the differences — the things we don’t immediately understand about each other — that open the door to new perspectives.

It’s the differences — the things we don’t immediately understand about each other — that open the door to new perspectives.

But let’s not just run with it. A touch of novelty can certainly broaden our world, but significant differences in daily routine and core values can have an overwhelming impact on long-term compatibility — I can only pretend to be invested in “how the quality of ingredients in CeraVe facewash is depreciating” for so long.

With that said, there still seems to be merit in spending time with people dissimilar to myself, despite the stark differences in our perceptions of the world. Even fleeting flings provide more than just a sad, ice-cream-filled afternoon the day it ends: they serve as mini case studies on perspective. Getting to know people who live in different worlds can force us to confront our own needs: what we cling to and what we might be able to let go of. In a 2022 study by the American Psychological Association, results show that couples who are from different cultural backgrounds come out of that relationship with an increased sense of self-awareness.

That’s not to say you should only mess around with preppy blue-bloods if you yourself wear clogs and only drink turmeric tea, for example (not bashing country-club goers or clogs, I love sailing and own a pair of Danskos). But there is something to be said for moving out of our comfort zones to encourage learning and growth, both in relationships and in life.

Peace babes. Wage love.